The Death Eater Chronicles
by SilverGlassMoon
Summary: What really happens when the deatheaters aren't fighting Harry Potter or creating havoc. Short Stories. Enjoy!
1. The cookie of doom

The Death Eater Chronicals

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or themes. Don't sue. Please?

Episode 1 - The Cookie of Doom

"Master?"

"Yes Bellatrix?"

"Why do you have muggle girl scout cookies?"

"Because they're evil Bella."

"Oh..."

"Can I have some?"

"No."

"...Meanie!"


	2. I'm Just a Sweet Transvesite

The Death Eater Chronicles

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or themes. Don't sue. Please?

Episode 3 – I'm just a sweet transvestite

One day at Malfoy Manor…

"Lucius, how is Draco coming along?" Drew a deep hiss-like voice.

"Oh just fine Master, actually – "

"LUCIUS!" A woman's scream heard through out the manor cried out.

A very angry Narcissa Malfoy barged through the room, with a very familiar article of clothing in hand.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LINGERE IN YOUR CLOSET?" Yelled Narcissa.

"Well…dear…please, let me explain…" Choked out a nervous Lucius.

But just as he was going to continue, a steady humming of a melody filled Lord Voldemorts throat.

And then he burst out singing

"How do you do  
I see you've met my faithful handyman  
He's a little brought down Because when you knocked  
He thought you were the handyman  
Didn't you freaky  
Don't get strung out by the way I look  
Don't judge a book by it's cover  
I'm not much of a many the light of day  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover - - "

And with that, Lucius joined in and in union, they continued.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite!  
From transsexual Transylvania"

"Oh…Why am I always the normal one out of these men" Sighed Narcissa dropping the bright red lace-up corset on the floor shaking her head in defeat.

"So come up to the lab And see what's on the slab  
I see you shiver with anticipation  
But maybe the rain Is really to blame  
So I'll remove the cause But not the symptom!"


	3. Not another one

"Ah...this is it...what I've been waiting for!" Exclaimed Lord Voldemort

"What master?" Asked Avery.

"Something that I've been working on acheiving for many many years, and now...it's finally done!"

"Master, what is it?" Asked Bellatrix who's suspense was futile.

"Ah yesss...long yearssss in the making...finally...it's complete..."

"What's complete master, your quest for immortality?" Lucius asked.

"No you fools!" Yelled Voldemort.

"Then what is it?" Asked all the deatheaters in a choir.

Voldemort turned around and showed them what he was holding.

All the deatheaters gasped in surprise.

"It's my new hand-knit sweater for my little sweet nagini-ums!" Declared Voldemort holding out a green sock-like snake sweater.

The deatheaters groaned.

"Not another bloody damn sweater..." Lucius mumbled.

"I still have the one from the last war!" Snape said.

"Damn that Molly Weasley and her 'How to knit affordably and easily' book!" Cursed Lestrange.


	4. Nectar of the Gods

The Death Eater Chronicles

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or themes. Don't sue. Please?

Episode 4 – Nectar of the Gods

"Oh..I'm just a ... just a... hiccup sweet...Merlin.."

Voldemort, who has been on a fairly pleasant stroll around his mansion, heard this babble and decided to go investigate, ignoring his gut tellling him that he shouldn't.

When he entered the study, what saw him didn't really shock him.

"LUCIUS! WHAT IN SLYTHERINS NAME ARE YOU DOING!" Yelled Lord Voldemort seeing a drunken Lucius Malfoy on the floor with a bottle of _His _finest Vodka from Russia.

"I'm a...I'm a...I'm DRUNK! Oh Master! Cissy le-le-left meeeeee!!!!" Cried Lucius in his drunken state.

"Gee...could it be because you we're dancing around in your wife's undergarments not to long ago?" Said Voldemort clearly annoyed with his drunken deatheater.

"It - It..It was only...only...a thing...I did-didn't hurt herrr!!"

"Well Lucius, maybe you now know that women's clothing belongs on women" Explained Voldemort.

"It..It was only a KINK!" Shreiked Lucius as he took another swig of Vodka from the Bottle.

"Lucius, Get a hold of yourself, and...STOP DRINKING MY VODKA!"

"But..It's..it's...the nect-ar of the Gawdsss.." Said Lucius, still slightly crying.

"Nectar of the Gods eh?"

"Yesssss!!!!"

"Well then, I think I'm worthy enough to drink this 'Nectar of the Gods' as you put it. Considering a pathetic heart-broken Deatheater is drinking MY alcohol."

A hour later, two very, very drunken men are laughing their heads off about absoulty nothing.

"Tha-That Potter...Boy...He dead shall be soon, Dumble-door is...no...yes...Gay" Voldemort tried to say, nursing a empty bottle in his arms.

"Ha..yes..Yes..he mu-st-edly, Potter's gay with...Dumb-door?" Asked drunk Lucius.

At this, both men started cracking up, Then the door opened.

"Father, Master..." Draco Malfoy Started.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" Yelled Draco.

"Dray-co..ha..Me's dunk.. ha..with da dark..ha..lord." Lucius explained between laughs.

"I see that...but what are you doing with Aunt Bellas corset on!?!" Draco exclaimed.

"Uhh...It's...comfy..hahaha" Lucius said.

"I'm..I'm..I'm a ..sweet..tranves tight from...trans.." Voldemort began to sing, but after beginning the world 'transvesite' he promptly passed out.

"Oh bugger...I'm not even going to bother.." Draco said walking out.

5 minuets later, you can hear Bellatrix yelling obscenities from her quarters.

"LUCIUS ABRAXAS MALFOY...WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Bellatrix yelled opening the door to the study.

In there, she immediatly stopped yelling and looked at the two passed out men sleeping right next to each other by a roaring fire, Lucius in her black corset, and the Dark Lord holding onto the empty vodka bottle like it's saving him from death.

"Aww...this is SO a Kodak moment!" She exclaimed before conjuring up a kodak camera.

"Say cheese!" Bella took a picture and smiled.

"This blackmail is going to be fun!!!" Exclaimed Bellatrix before turning around and closing the door.


	5. Green Jello

The Death Eater Chronicles

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or themes. Don't sue. Please?

**Episode 5 - Green Jello.**

* * *

Voldemort was humming 'Toxic' from Britney Spears while making some green jello.

Nott walked in the kitchen, and noticed him.

"Master?" Asked Nott.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?" Asked Nott

"Making green jello." Replied Voldemort.

"Oh...why?" Asked Nott.

"Because, Green's my favorite color."

"Why?" Asked Nott.

"Because it's a Slytherin Color, and the Color of Avada Kedavra." Replied Voldemort, while mixing the power into the water.

"Why?" Asked Nott.

"Because Salazar Slytherin likes green, and I don't know why Avada Kedavra is green, probably cause it's cool."

"Why?"

"Because it is"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE!" Yelled Voldemort annoyed, while dropping the bowl of finished jello mix on the ground.

"God damn it Nott!"

"Why?"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Yelled Voldemort.

Nott fell on the floor dead, with a very pissed off Dark Lord.

Two seconds later, a gush of wind blew open the windows, and Nott's ghost came flying in.

"Why?" Asked the ghost of Nott.

Voldemort threw his arms up in defeat, yelled are frustratedly, and left the room.

The Ghost of Nott started laughing.

"Why, Why, Why!?" Laughed Nott.

Bellatrix came in the kitchen, wondering why her master was yelling down the hall.

She smirked.

"I guess that _repetitive spell_ worked then." Laughed Bellatrix, stealing some of the cookies her master forbade her to eat.


End file.
